Sunday, June 12, 2011

Next Steps

I have not broadcast this widely, but I have shared this with a few family members, but that is it.   If you are finding out about it on my blog, are hurt by it, I apologize.  

Jason and I are separating for good.   This was not Jason's idea at all, it was mine.   This is the final separation and it will lead to divorce.   Please do not say I'm sorry to me or give me sympathy.    Yes, it is hard, but this is what I desire.  

Most people would say that going for what you desire is selfish.   I agree, it can be selfish.  It's not selfish if you listen to what Christ tells you and follow his guidance.  Not yours, but his.   

Yesterday, Friday, I found out that I need to make a decision about keeping the apartment past the end of August.  They wanted a decision right then and there.   I told them that I needed a week to make my final decision.  

I desire to leave Rochester.   I know deep down, 100% that I do not belong here.   But the question is when do I leave.  Bottom line is that I do not desire to be here.  Do I keep the apartment longer than August?    If I could leave right now, I would.  My money situation does not allow that.   I have to work at Mayo for at least a little longer, that could be one or two paychecks longer or it could be until the end of August longer.   At this point I am not sure.  

One option is to move up north.   The main pro would be being closer to family.  The con is that it does not feel right to me to move up north permanently.  It may be a temporary stopping spot, but not permanent.  Most people would say suck it up buttercup and do it anyway.  But I am not most people.  I am going for what my heart desires.

My desire is to just go somewhere completely new, out of state and start over.   For those of you who may come back and ask if that is a good idea in my “condition” or with my depression, etc.   I am the one who seen myself getting so bad, so down.  I am the one who sought help.  I am the one who checked myself into Generose.  Yes, I had support once I said that I was going downhill, but it was ultimately all me.   I am a hell of a lot stronger than I thought I was.  I don’t see how being around family, etc. will help me.   I was not around my family down here in Rochester.  

I don't desire to work in a 8-5 job anymore.   I desire to do something creative in my life.  I feel that I am part of something bigger.  That I have more to do in my life than be an Administrative Assistance.  I don't know exactly what that is yet, it may be helping with the Grace community, it may be doing something creative, scrapbooking, crafting, photography, etc.   

Normally I would be scared shitless without a plan or a list.  I am at peace right now with my desire to leave Rochester, to scale back what I own, and put what I want to keep in storage.  

I realize that this seems very out of character for me, but I have kept many of my dreams and desires close to my heart because I never thought they were possible.   I feel led to start perusing them.   Despite the unknown.  I may succeed, I may fail.   But at least I tried.   But now I will not be held back.   

I found this on Pinterest....thought it summed up my thoughts really well.


Janet Lee said...

I admire your strength and determination. There is nothing wrong with seeing yourself in a different life and area as long as your are honest with yourself and others. You are a strong beautiful woman and I know you can do it! Thank you for sharing, you will go far and make your dreams a reality! xox

Amber said...

Janet, thank you so much for your comment. You know just the words that speak to me right now.

Tess said...
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