Monday, April 18, 2011

Being Honest.

(Click on image to make it larger)

Since I'm supposed to be honest, I'm going to make a blog entry today about what I'm feeling.

Today I feel like a failure, and I've been kinda down all day, even though I really don't have a reason to be. I slept good last night and everything.

Work started out great. Got a couple meetings scheduled that were the meetings from hell. The physician's schedules would never coordinate, one admininistrative assistant wouldn't give up any time at all on her physician's calendar, even though he volunteered for this project, knowing that it would be a very tight deadline, etc. It felt good to get those scheduled. I've just kinda felt melancholy.

I had an appointment today in Endo. My primary care doc. Referred me there since they could do my pap smear, and give me more options than just a birth control pill to force me to have a period, since I haven't had one for about 1 1/2 to 2 years.

The appointment went nothing like I though. First of all, I wasn't assertive at all, like I should have been. I just went along with whatever. I was also irked from the get go when my report time was 2:30 (I was there at that point, so was Jason), and my appointment time was 2:45, and I didn't get to see anyone until 3:15. Keep in mind that there was absolutely no one else in the waiting room, we need no other patients, etc.

At 3:15 two residents/fellows come in and introduce themselves. I'm irked right away since they look so young, and I've already waited for 45 minutes and I haven't seen the doctor I made my appointment for yet.

They start out with, well we think you have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.) Umm...yea, I was diagnosed with that back in 2004....they say that they couldn't find anything about that in my file, it's there.....I had to help them find it. How does that work? I'm irked even more. They go on and on about tests and such. Eventually the doc comes in and I walk out with my head spinning. I don't even know what's going on to tell you the truth. I'm so lost and feel so stupid that I can't even comprehend everything. The appointment went nothing like I thought it would. I don't know what I was expecting, but nothing like this. It's hard to explain.

Within the next week I have teh following appointments set up in regards of this appointment.
  • Ultrasound--to confirm that I have PCOS. Apparently you need this now to confirm that you have it.
  • Blood Tests--You need blood tests too to confirm that you have it.
  • 3 hour glucose test--because they are concerned that I may eventually have diabetes. Just becuase of my weight. While I get that, my glucose, blood pressure, and cholesterol levels were monitored closely while I was in Generose. They were all normal. Do I really need this?
  • Dietitian Consult--I know I could benefit from this. But right now? I just don't know.
  • Exercise test--I had no idea I had to have this done. Why?
  • Follow-Up Appointment--to go over the results of everything
I am just stressing over everything about this appointment. Is it really needed now? Do I need to do it all? I mean it's just insane to me. Do I need it or do they just want my money? It's stressing me out just thinking of all of these appointments and all that I'm going to be missing work for these. Plus my Thursday therapy appointments. I feel like my plate is full and this would over fill it for me, and that would not be a good thing. I'm seriously tempted to call and cancel all of the appointments.

Just from this appointment I have 2 hours of time to make up from work, or I have to take 2 hours of PTO, which I'm not sure I have. Or 2 hours of no pay. Grrrrr. That is stressing me out too.

I'm worried that I'm trying to give Susan too much too soon. I don't want her to feel overwhelmed. But I do want to try to teach her some responsibility while she is here. I love having Susan here. I can't wait until Jason and I someday move back up north to be close to family to be close to everyone all the time. That will be amazing. I don't know if I"m doing the right things with Susan or not. I'm worried I'm not doing the right things and I'm second and third, and fourth, etc. guessing myself all the times.

I've been trying to take better care of myself lately, but I've been failing at that too. I'm just doing what needs to be done. One thing I've defined that I need is 30-60 minutes of alone time each day. I haven't been getting that. I don't know how to get that, especially since I'm back full time, but I need me time so damn bad. I feel so guilty leaving Susan and Jason for the day while I get some me time in. Since Thursday, I think I've got 2-30 minute sessions in. That's just not enough for me. I don't know how to make myself a proirity. I feel like I need to take care of everyone around me.

Tonight I wasn't even thinking and didn't realize that I needed to wash clothes so Jason would have clean uniforms for work tonight. I should have known that. But did I think about it, of course not.

Lately I've been picking up more negativity around me, at home, at work, at stores, all over. I don't know what to do about it. I feel like it is seeping into me, and I can't get it out.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed, stressed, and depressed tonight, and I was hoping that tonight writing it all out would help me, but it didn't.

Oh, and yes, I have been doing my relaxation breathing, and some of my CBT skills. They help to a certain extent.

I just don't know what else to do right now. I just hate feeling this way.

1 comment:

Mrs. A. said...

Just wanted you to know I am thinking about you. I hope you can feel at peace with the decisions you need to make, remembering that you are your number one priority. You are an amazing person and are capable of amazing things, please do not let what you see as shortcomings define you. The world is a negative place, but you have to create your own positive place within it. I really try to start each day with a positive mindset and only think about the positive things that will happen that day. I know a ton else could happen, but that is not where I want my focus to be. As far as the medical stuff, I think if they recommend it you should find a way to make it happen. Don't let is stress you out just get done what you can get done even if it takes time. I think they are trying to look out for you and your health now and down the road. It might be less stressful to not look at things, but who knows what the future holds. You are lucky to have such good health care, so think of it is a positive in your life. I know this sounds like a ramble, but I wanted you to know I read it and I am here for you :-). I think you are awesome and so deserving off all the great things life can hold. You bring sunshine into the lives of those you spend time with and that is a pretty big deal :-). Love you and I am looking forward to being scrappy happy with you this weekend!